feelings suck.

i feel like crying.
for no good stinking reason.
its ridiculous.

ive been overly angry all day.
short temper.
lack of patience.
just aggressive.
more than normal.

but im okay with that.
it when they crying comes in.
that it just ticks me off even more.
*sigh*

i know i will probably look back on this post and laugh.
i know that im being over dramatic.
i know that this is not what public blogs are for.
but right now.

crying seems like the only option.
goodnight.

so i dont forget.

i feel like im just now getting time to rest.

this last month has been so busy! 

soon it will slow down.

and for that im so excited.

i just want to curl up in my ugly orange chair.

with a blanket.

and read a book.

all day. 

during thanksgiving. my brother, sister in law & 2 nephews were here. i must say it was a wonderful visit. i was nervous at first. being completely honest. there seems to be a lot of tension usually when we are all together. its weird because it never was like that before my brother got married. so i assumed the tension started with my sister in law. i mean, if that is the only thing that has changed in my family. it must be her. 

but i was wrong. my sister in law is amazing. and i learned that in a big way on this visit. i learned a lot about her. what she has been through. people that were in her life before my entire family came along. some about her family. we cleared up a lot of misunderstandings. we talked out things that were topics that never got brought up. 

they got here on the tuesday before thanksgiving. it was a nice day. mom made her yummy beef sandwhichs. suppppper yummy in my tummy! and we went to church for testimony service. rebecca and i picked up kristofer & kayla. testimony service was good. but games afterwards was better. well.. i guess i cant say that it was since everyone ganged up on me! jerks! :) we learned that rebecca is the master at rummikube, and i suck just as much as kristofer does at the game!

wednesday, we were supposed to go to the beach and spend the weekend there. we get everything packed and are on our way there when we find out that we need chains to get there. i got a rental car, so that wasnt happening. we decided to turn around and go back to the house.

that was the best decision that we made! i am soooo glad that we stayed here. after we got home JR, Kassie & their son Javin came over. they were supposed to go to the beach with us. so we ordered pizza, ate pumpkin bars & played board games all evening. it was so fun. 

my oldest nephew mikey & javin became fast friends! well, i guess not so fast. there was a lot of not sharing & pushing at first. haha. but once they got that worked out, they became fast friends. one day that they were here, kassie said that javin woke up wondering where mikey & uncle(my brother josh) were. so cute! :)

thursday was the big day. a bit unorganized, but hey, we are all pretty much family! who cares? mom put the turkey in, made the weird gravy, mashed potatoes & a potato salad. rebecca made her delicious stuffing. i made a salad. kassie made the veggie tray, deviled eggs, pumpkin pie, corn. i think there might have been more but whatevs.

mikey & i played on the slide outside of my apt. kristofer & kayla came over again. played games. the rileys came over for a short visit. and then we all went to jr & kassies for a few games of mafia & some pumpkin bars.

friday. SHOPPING! :) earrings, belts, watch for ashley. nail polish for cherish. headphones, board games & socks for me. i cant remember what else i bought. i had to work that night. for 4 hours. suck! i missed the tree lighting in pioneer square with my youth group. but some dude tried to plant a bomb there, so i guess it was best that i wasnt.

saturday. multnomah falls. hot chocolate. relaxing. jr. kassie. javin. casey. morgan. her husband josh. it was a full house. chicken. yummy seafood salad.

rebecca and i stayed up all night until it was time for them to go to the airport. we talked for most of the evening. bought a few books and then played a monopoly card game all evening.  it was an awesome time.

i have the cutest stinking nephews. no joke. they know no stranger. luke doesnt cry. or it doesnt seem like he does. he is so mellow! he goes with the flow. such an amazing kid. mikey. now that kid is energy! he doesnt eat. haha. but he is amazing! i love the kid!

i wish they lived a bit closer. but that will most likely never happen.

minus having to work a bit. it was a good visit and holiday. spending time with some of the people that i love the most. i wouldnt have changed a thing!

pictures to come.

never woulda thought...

i cant even explain how true this is.

where i am in my life, right now..

its even 'true-er' then i could have ever imagined.

there are a number of people in my life.

that i never thought about being life long friends.

or people that would have shaped and changed my life forever.

brittany.

katie.

mary.

bro & sis higgins.

kristofer. 

rebecca.

yenni.

andrea.

rosaunda.

these are a few people that i love so much!

and a few of them.

when i first met them.

would never have thought.

that they would mean the world to me now.

so crazy.

monthly checkup.

i feel as if i havent been here in over a month!

why?

because i HAVENT!

its been a long month.

filled with:

mind complications.

halloween activities.

planning.

vacations.

sickness.

family.

suggestions taken wrong. 

clarity.

thanksgiving.

near beach experiances.

all nighters.

letting walls down.

putting walls up.

late nights.

card games.

but here i am now! :)

thankful thursday.

*my momma*

she is such an amazing person. she is a rock that i lean on. she can understand me like no other. she is always there when i need her, and even when i dont. she is strong. she is a Godly influence in my life. she has been through some trials and some hard times throughout her life, but always knows that God is going to keep her. she listens to me. even when i digress onto 6 other topics before finishing my first story. she doesnt interrupt. she listens. she is rarely funny... she tries.. really hard. i give her credit for that. when she loves, she loves with her everything. she isnt judgmental. she cheats at jenga. she drinks way to much diet pepsi, and doesnt test her blood sugar often enough. she is crazy, and she is frustrating. she is always game for my crazy ideas. she is honest, and she is my favorite momma in the world. i love her. im thankful for her. so much. God defiantly bless my brother and i with the best momma in the world.

*brother & sister higgins*

why is it, that i got through my moms whole paragraph without crying. but as soon as i type in their names. tears immediately come to my eyes. i dont think anyone understands how truly thankful i am for the higgins. im thankful. so thankful. they have given me so many chances, and do overs. and yet dont judge me. brother does get a bit irritated at me and my mouth sometimes, but he doesnt judge me. im so thankful that he didnt give up on me even when he had ever right. im thankful they gave me a chance with bible quizzing. im just thankful for their leadership. i love watching them work the alter, and one of them usually has the little olive (their baby) in their hands while they are praying for folks. its beautiful to watch. they are such an example of Gods love and what being a christian is all about.

goodbye media.

this last week has been impacting in so many different ways. so many trials, but through it all.. i learned a lot.

its amazing that even when i screw up badly.

over and over. over and over. over and over.

God still loves me.

for that im greatful.

this week my church is doing 7 days of prayer and fasting.

some of us are giving up all forms of media in our lives for the week as well.

no internet.

no texting.

no unnecessary phone calls.

no blogging.

no dvd's.

no tv.

no radio.

no news papers.

no ipods.

no facebook.

ect.

its weird because ive never attempted something like this.

im not nervous at all.

imma write my thursday post today.

and set it on auto post! :)

so with that said..

see ya next week blog! :)

thankful thursday.

i am thankful for the small things. for the big things. for a lot!
God has blessed me so much its insane!  

around this time of year i sit back and think about my blessings a lot.

thats why im trying to do my first reoccurring blog post.
 it will be called thankful thursday! 

today i am thankful most for...

*my AWaCks*

we are a group of people. that God has placed together for a purpose. sometimes they irritate me. sometimes i yell at them. sometimes i want to kill them. but at the end of every day i love them. mary said the other day that our sunday night alter call felt like humpty dumpty being put back together again. i feel that. its the best way to describe it. i love my AWaCks.

*my job*

while i would rather not HAVE to work. i am SO thankful for my job. i speak to people every day who dont have jobs. who are losing their houses. who have to rob peter to pay paul. and then those people who do way more work than i do, and get paid so much less. i am honestly so blessed for my job! i thank God that He placed me here at the right time. 

*tall white chocolate
raspberry mochas*

its the most amazing drink in the world. it warms a small part of my soul! :) for a girl who normally doesnt like coffee, i am thankful in the little town of newport, i was introduced to this oh so amazing drink! fall is even better with one of these babies in my hand! :)

if you want to participate too, just steal the image.

if you wanna make a better one that would be great! :)

just leave me a comment so i can include you in my next ones!

bow ties + untied = incredibly hot!

guys in untied bow ties = hot!

dont believe me? 

proof!

just sayin'!

:)

hurt.

last night this random man came into the church during prayer. none of the men seemed inclined to go help him (or so me and becky thought), so we went to see if we could help him.

he seemed to be looking for something..
someone..

he was on the hunt for a lady that has recently started coming. he had some stuff of hers and he was leaving town. he didnt seem all to happy. he seemed nervous. he seemed set on finding her.

we explained that she usually doesnt come on tuesdays but that she usually comes on wednesdays. becky & i both felt uncomfortable about letting him know that, we didnt know if he was a psycho stalker or whatnot, but its  a public place, and he could come back tomorrow to see himself anyway. so.. *sigh*

he asked us to give her a note. i explained that i would give it to my pastor to give to her.

thats when he seemed to break down.

he kept repeating.. 

"i loved her!!"

over and over.

almost in tears.

he went on to throw some judgments at her.

but, mostly it was a heartbroken man talking.

there wasnt anything that i could honestly do to help him. i dont know the lady that well. i dont know their background. i dont know whats happening. i just dont know even who he is to her. 

i felt so bad for him. 

i dont want to know what it was about. i dont even want her to know he spoke to me. i dont want to get involved. 

but i still felt so bad for him.

it was as if his heart was seriously breaking at that very moment. he kept saying he was going very far away. never said exactly where. i cant help but wondering if he is okay. i pray that Gods hand protects him and everything works out the way it should.

there was so much hurt in his face.

i dont know the story behind it.

and its probably better that way.

but i think ill continue to pray for him. 

never done before.

truth.

*source*

Where are you going?

Where Are You Going?

Dave Matthews

Where are you going? 

With your long face 

Pulling down 

Don't hide away 

Like an ocean 

That you can't see but you can smell 

And the sound of the waves crash down 

I am no Superman 

I have no reasons for you 

I am no hero 

Oh, that's for sure 

But I do know one thing 

Is where you are is where I belong 

I do know where you go 

Is where I want to be 

Where are you going? 

Where do you go? 

Are you looking for answers 

To questions under the stars? 

Well, if along the way 

You are grown weary 

You can rest with me until 

A brighter day and you're okay 

I am no Superman 

I have no answers for you 

I am no hero 

Oh, that's for sure 

But I do know one thing 

Is where you are is where I belong 

I do know where you go 

Is where I want to be 

Where are you going? 

Where do you go? 

Where do you go? 

Where are you going? 

Where do you go? 

I am no Superman 

I have no answers for you 

I am no hero 

Oh, that's for sure 

But I do know one thing 

Is here you are is where I belong 

I do know where you go 

Is where I want to be 

Where are you going? 

Where do you go? 

Tell me, where are you going? 

Where? 

Well, let's go 

christians.

Christians

 

ByMaya Angelou   

 

"A woman's heart should be so hidden in Christ that a

man should have to seek Him first to find her."

When I say... "I am a Christian" I'm not shouting "I'm

clean livin'" I'm whispering "I was lost, Now I'm

found and forgiven." 

 

When I say... "I am a Christian" I don't speak of this

with pride. I'm confessing that I stumble

and need Christ to be my guide. 

 

When I say... "I am a Christian" I'm not trying to be

strong. I'm professing that I'm weak and need His

strength to

carry on. 

 

When I say... "I am a Christian" I'm not bragging of

success. I'm admitting I have failed and need God to

clean my mess. 

 

When I say... "I am a Christian" I'm not claiming to

be perfect, My flaws are far too

visible but, God believes I am worth it.

 

When I say... "I am a Christian" I still feel the

sting of pain.. I have my share of heartaches, so I

call upon

His name. 

 

When I say ... "I am a Christian" I'm not holier than

thou, I'm just a simple sinner Who received God's good

grace, somehow! 

 

Pretty is as Pretty does...
but beautiful is just

plain beautiful!

 

the weekend. the good and the bad.

this weekend was one of the most awesome weekends ever.
there were def a few flaws. but for the most part i loved every bit of it.

our youth group used to go to a place in Rockaway Beach every year called Camp Magruder!

Its a great little campground that has cabins, a big swing, games, boats ect.
we havent gone for like 3-4 years for whatever reason,
 mostly just being way to busy! and it being way to expensive.

we went this year! 

YEA!!
most of our kids havent ever been!
it was awesome to be a part of their first time going there!
 so many amazing memories! i loved 99.99% of the trip! :)

friday we rode in brother randalls bus down there!
 its an old school bus that he converted into a 5th wheel kind of thing!
it is comfortable and i love it! i would love to have one just like it to just be able to travel in!
 SOO AWESOME! :)
sam, kayla, kristofer and i played phase 10 most of the way there.
 once i figured out how to play, it was fun!

once we got there i went to take a picture and my camera wouldnt work.

thats when i realized that i left my SD card in my computer.
 i was soo super bummed!
so while everyone else went to play on the beach i went to tillamook to get an sd card! :)
 it was such a awesome drive by myself. 

while i was in the truck a song by mary mary came on.
 cant give up now.
 the lyrics got to me so much!
 its an old song and ive heard it sooo many times before.
 but as i was singing along i really thought about the words!

"Can't Give Up Now"There will be mountains that I will have to climb

And there will be battles that I will have to fight
But victory or defeat, it's up to me to decide
But how can I expect to win If I never try.

I just can't give up now

I've come too far from where I started from
 Nobody told me the road would be easy
and I don't believe He brought me this far to leave me

Never said there wouldn't be trials
Never said I would't fall
Never said that everything would go the way I want it to go
But when my back is against the wallAnd i feel all hope is gone,
I'll just lift my head up to the sky
And say help me to be strong

its amazing how sometimes when we think that God is just taking His sweet time.

we think that there is something else to do..
like take our life in our own hands..
give up..
all will come to fail.
i prayed a lot for the service that we had that night.
that a lot of things would be let go.
that i would remember that giving up is never even an option.
it was a good time driving there and back!


when i got back there was time at the beach.
watching the sun set with AMAZING weather.
big swing. so awesome.
and we had campfire.
that was filled with raccoons.
manny pop.
hot dogs.
marshmallow.
smores.
and an amazing message by JR.


he talked about getting rid of the past.
for me. i know that is easier said than done.
he gave us slips of paper that represented our past.
and we were able to throw them in the fire.


i am an observer of folks.
i watched as some people hung on to their slips of paper.
like they couldnt let it go.
seeing the white knuckles..
and tears..
and hidden emotions..


but when they finally let go.
you could see the relief on some faces.
the pain disappear.
some you couldnt see at all.
but its okay.


its crazy how we spend so much time holding on to something..
that is soo painful.
we fight to keep a hold of it.
like we are entitled to that feeling of hurt.

like its become so much a part of us.

that we dont want to let go.

why wouldnt we want to let go of hurts?

or pain.. of failures?

after that amazing devotion.

we went to play games.

eat tons of junk food.

played mao!

which is such an amazing game.

so hard!

but awesome.

midnight walk to the jetty!

more mao!

then bedtime about 130.

saturday consisted of..

breakfast.

elias sleeping in front of the fire.

big swing.

boats.

games.

beach.

lunch.

pictures.

basketball.

devotion.

tillamook cheese factory.

bus ride home.

an oraizo  sandwich with a marshmallow center.

so cute!

walking onto the beach.

welcome AWC! :)

kids on the boats! beautiful weather!

the fire where we threw our past!

justin on the big swing. everyone running so he doesnt kick them!

manny making jiffy pop. which we now call manny pop!

train of massages!

ORAZIO sandwich with a MARSHmallow center! :)

morning devotion.

manny carrying elias on his back.

elias was so tired. 

he grabbed a cushion off the couch.

and fell asleep in the breakfast hall in front of the fire!

bri. kristofer. kayla. kris.

mk & i.

how many boys can fit in one bed.

there are 6. one you just cant see! :)

sunset.

sunset.

sunday.

well i found out that one of my old friends got married.

i pray that she knows what she is doing.

i pray that everything works out just like she hopes it will.

i pray.

thats all i can do.