end of story.

im just not a good blogger.
i want to be.
something inside me screams to remember every day.
i dont want to be 80.
and forget what happened today.
what happened yesterday.

i dont want people in my life to become...
a memory that i just cant remember.

i cant promise that in 2013 i will get better.
and i cannot even promise to myself that i will blog once a month.

but i will try.

not worth it.

yesterday.
a beautiful girl.
sweet and sassy.
had a bridal shower.

fun.
small.
lovely.

new friends.
family.
getting together to celebrate.

her mom.
kim.
gave advice about not fighting.
she said that she used to get migrains.
fierce. awful. diblitating ones.
after her and her husband would fight.

she was in the midst of a fight with him.
and she thought to herself.

hes not worth it.

she said.
to him.
youre not worth it.
the kids arent worth it.
the animals arent worth it.
not worth the migraine.
not worth the fighting.
not worth it.
no one is worth that kind of pain.
that kind of torment.
she was going to walk away.

from that time on.
whilst they still argue.
WW3 is not going on.
they learned to work out their arguements.
a new way.
a plan.
something that her daughter learned.

not worth it.

i thought that was amazing.

i heard at this same bridal shower.
news that was disturbing.

foolish people.
doing foolish things.

infuritated.
wasnt even a good enough word.

fools.
doing foolish things.

i tried to blog last night.
i didnt want to be angry.
its not my business.
its not my life.
      (thank God)
its not something that i can judge.

the - i told you so.
wont be sweet.
when its over.

because playing with peoples emotions.
can hurt them for life.
not just for a time being.
no matter how tough they are.

but although...

i do find them worth it.
its not worth it.

being mad at foolishness.
is only going to be stressful to one person.
me.

when its over.
i will try and pick up the pieces.

because thats my job.

thats what im good at.

ask the rest of them.
same girl.
doing what i know to do.

not an option.

not an option.
three words with so much meaning.
not an option.

not allowing myself to dream that dream.
not allowing myself to look further than the now.

not an option.
because i should try harder.
i am worth more.

not an option.
not an option.
you.
are.
not.
an.
option.

heavy heart.

blogging for me is just something i dont think that i can keep up with.
but i know that a lot of time i just need to wirte out what im feeling.
so here i will turn.

tonight. i had an amazing conversation with a beautiful young girl.
she is making changes in her life that are dynamic!
but its also hard.
because sometimes people fight so hard against us doing the right thing.
but the right thing, is ALWAYS the right thing.

i couldnt be happier in her actions.
in her decisions.
in her attitude.

but i understand the struggles.
not knowing.
not understanding why.

its amazing that God is so good.
to allow us time to grow and change.

i know that right now.
my heart is heavy.
heavier than its been in a long time.
ove a different situation.
beyond my control.

its hard to see people struggle.
its hard to see people going through difficult times.
even harder when you dont have anything at all that you can do.

by nature im a fixer.
if your broken.
i want to help put you back together.
if your hurting.
i want to help mend that brokenness.
if your angry.
i want to know why.

i want to help.
but this time.
i dont know what to do.

i dont know which way to turn to help.
i know that they need me.
God definatly more than i.
but.
needing me.
is something im sure of.

i just dont know what to do.

maybe this is where praying for wisdom comes in at.
maybe this is why these next 3 days are prayer and fasting day.

maybe God is ready to really put my new years resolutions in to action.

my life isnt about me.
its about Him.
and He has a plan.

New Year.

My 2012 Resolutions.

1. Pray Everyday!
2. Fast 1 time a month.
3. No Soda
4. Journal everyday. Document My Life.
5. Read My Bible Through
6. Spend Less Time Doing Me, Life Is NOT About Me
7. Curb My Gossiping
8. Blog More.