this year.

has been a whirlwind of things going on.

vacations. surprises.

weddings. disappointments.

huts. laughter. 

work. late nights.

new friends. old friends becoming not friends.

life moving on.

feeling stuck. 

stuck.

remembering that life isnt about me.

isnt helping today.

life happens.

no matter if you are ready or not.

hurts come.

we leave ourselves open to them.

a lot.

end of story.

im just not a good blogger.
i want to be.
something inside me screams to remember every day.
i dont want to be 80.
and forget what happened today.
what happened yesterday.

i dont want people in my life to become...
a memory that i just cant remember.

i cant promise that in 2013 i will get better.
and i cannot even promise to myself that i will blog once a month.

but i will try.

not worth it.

yesterday.
a beautiful girl.
sweet and sassy.
had a bridal shower.

fun.
small.
lovely.

new friends.
family.
getting together to celebrate.

her mom.
kim.
gave advice about not fighting.
she said that she used to get migrains.
fierce. awful. diblitating ones.
after her and her husband would fight.

she was in the midst of a fight with him.
and she thought to herself.

hes not worth it.

she said.
to him.
youre not worth it.
the kids arent worth it.
the animals arent worth it.
not worth the migraine.
not worth the fighting.
not worth it.
no one is worth that kind of pain.
that kind of torment.
she was going to walk away.

from that time on.
whilst they still argue.
WW3 is not going on.
they learned to work out their arguements.
a new way.
a plan.
something that her daughter learned.

not worth it.

i thought that was amazing.

i heard at this same bridal shower.
news that was disturbing.

foolish people.
doing foolish things.

infuritated.
wasnt even a good enough word.

fools.
doing foolish things.

i tried to blog last night.
i didnt want to be angry.
its not my business.
its not my life.
      (thank God)
its not something that i can judge.

the - i told you so.
wont be sweet.
when its over.

because playing with peoples emotions.
can hurt them for life.
not just for a time being.
no matter how tough they are.

but although...

i do find them worth it.
its not worth it.

being mad at foolishness.
is only going to be stressful to one person.
me.

when its over.
i will try and pick up the pieces.

because thats my job.

thats what im good at.

ask the rest of them.
same girl.
doing what i know to do.

not an option.

not an option.
three words with so much meaning.
not an option.

not allowing myself to dream that dream.
not allowing myself to look further than the now.

not an option.
because i should try harder.
i am worth more.

not an option.
not an option.
you.
are.
not.
an.
option.

heavy heart.

blogging for me is just something i dont think that i can keep up with.
but i know that a lot of time i just need to wirte out what im feeling.
so here i will turn.

tonight. i had an amazing conversation with a beautiful young girl.
she is making changes in her life that are dynamic!
but its also hard.
because sometimes people fight so hard against us doing the right thing.
but the right thing, is ALWAYS the right thing.

i couldnt be happier in her actions.
in her decisions.
in her attitude.

but i understand the struggles.
not knowing.
not understanding why.

its amazing that God is so good.
to allow us time to grow and change.

i know that right now.
my heart is heavy.
heavier than its been in a long time.
ove a different situation.
beyond my control.

its hard to see people struggle.
its hard to see people going through difficult times.
even harder when you dont have anything at all that you can do.

by nature im a fixer.
if your broken.
i want to help put you back together.
if your hurting.
i want to help mend that brokenness.
if your angry.
i want to know why.

i want to help.
but this time.
i dont know what to do.

i dont know which way to turn to help.
i know that they need me.
God definatly more than i.
but.
needing me.
is something im sure of.

i just dont know what to do.

maybe this is where praying for wisdom comes in at.
maybe this is why these next 3 days are prayer and fasting day.

maybe God is ready to really put my new years resolutions in to action.

my life isnt about me.
its about Him.
and He has a plan.

New Year.

My 2012 Resolutions.

1. Pray Everyday!
2. Fast 1 time a month.
3. No Soda
4. Journal everyday. Document My Life.
5. Read My Bible Through
6. Spend Less Time Doing Me, Life Is NOT About Me
7. Curb My Gossiping
8. Blog More.

I Lift Up My Soul.

I Lift Up My Soul by Dr. Charles Stanley was a delight to read. It is a 365 day devotional that consists of a scripture reading, a prayer, key verses, and a small devotion taken from other books Dr. Stanley’s has written. When I first received I Lift Up My Soul, I had my doubts as I have so many devotional books that I never take the time to read. Each devotional seems to have a different theme, one for women, one for mothers, one for youth leaders, one for overcoming grief, ect. I Lift Up My Soul seemed to be all these wrapped in one book for me. I found myself wanting to read it more than I had time for. It could be read in the morning, at a break time, during lunch time, or right before bed.  I recommend this book for people that are short on time, as each devotion is rather quick and easy to read. Also, each devotion was so easy to understand, was relevant to real life, and gave thoughts that stayed with me long after I finished my reading for the day. I am looking forward to re-reading this book as a daily devotional now.

who am i?

When I consider thy heavens, the work of thy fingers, the moon and the stars, which thou hast ordained;

What is man, that thou art mindful of him? and the son of man, that thou visitest him?

For thou hast made him a little lower than the angels, and hast crowned him with glory and honour.

Psalms 8:3-5

this will happen to my first boy! no doubts.

cute. cute. cute. cute. cute.

Source: thesugartreestudiosblog.com via Sarah on Pinterest

<3 it!

the perfect timing of a rainbow.

traffic.

usually i see it. 

and everything in me cringes.

im the girl that wants to get from a to b.

in the fastest time possible.

i dont want to wait.

instant gratification.

yes please!

as i get onto the freeway tonight.

there is obvious traffic.

oodles & oodles of cars.

we arent getting anywhere.

in any time that is convenient for anyone.

so why not just relax.

i did. 

and i took a pic.

Driving Home. Rain? Check! Hail? Check! Traffic? Check! (my pic that i uploaded to fb)

relaxing for me today.

was listening to music.

as loud as possible.

singing along.

not worrying about this stupid drive.

i didnt switch lanes for most of the drive.

even though the middle lane was going much faster than the 'fast' lane.

i just drove. 

sang.

and thought.

as the rain lightened up.

the sun came out.

i searched for the rainbow.

i looked everywhere.

no rainbow.

i started to wonder if God would ever take back His promise.

to never use a flood to destroy the earth again.

did no rainbow, mean no promise?

i started to wonder about Gods promises in my own life.

if i am a fool to believe some of them.

if i actually even was given any promises.

if its not all made up in my head.

i was so disturbed that there wasnt a rainbow.

it just wasnt there.

not even a little one.

nothing.

then out of the corner of my eye.

i saw something red.

familiar.

someone that i know.

knew?

i dont even know how to describe our 'friendship' now.

but awhile ago.

i felt like i was given a promise.

regarding this person.

and in what seemed like seconds.

i felt God tell me.

exactly what i heard before.

'trust me. even if you never see the fruits. trust me'

and as i felt that.

i look up to see the biggest rainbow EVER!

it seemed like i was right underneath it.

i wish that i would have stopped crying long enough to take a pic.

but thanking God was much more important.

even if i never see the fruits of the war.

even if it becomes 'knew' instead of 'know'.

even if it never stops.

even if no one else cares.

even if it makes me look like a fool.

i dont care.

i will trust You.

good night monday.

*source*

i woke up this morning.

not feeling well.

clogged nose.

manly froggy voice.

knowing we had a lot of people out of power in oregon.

outages.

outages.

outages.

which means overtime.

i didnt prepare myself to have a good monday.

after all.

it was a rainy day & a monday.

they always get me down.

but this monday.

besides the crazy clogged nose.

besides the manly froggy voice.

was a good monday.

i would like to say.

thank you monday!

thank you.

my day.

:)

a woman whos power had been out over 24 hours.

said she wanted to take me home and make sure i got better.

hot soup & hot tea.

and sleep.

that was her recommendation.

she said she would be calling back next week.

and if i wasnt better.

she was going to come get me. 

haha.

i had no one complain about their power issue.

mind you, most of them had been out 20+ hours.

all of them.

every single last one of my customers.

'oh, we are prepared take your time'

'it will be out until tuesday? thats fine, we can survive, we know you are working on it'

'thank you for all your hard work getting my power restored'

'my power has been out for 18 hours. but people in Japan have it much worse, sorry about being a cry baby'

:)

to my oregon customers.

while tomorrow might be a different day.

when your patience has worn off.

thank you for monday without complaints.

thanks for my day!

skype with a friend.

weddings with a friend.

may it be the same friend?

we just wont tell!

haha.

i heart pinterest.

i could honestly loose hours of my day at that website.

my day.

has been great.

sickies and all.

:)

cheers to tuesday!

nite nite.

everyday. :)

this makes me smile.

joy.

i dont know what this is about. 

i dont know if its a play, or a movie, or anything that i would even like.

but i love the though. 

everything IS relative.

choose joy.

things change.

and each person sees things different.

each person feels things different.

when it comes to life.

choose joy.

choose joy.

its MY choice.

i can either live defeated & hurt.

or choose joy.

i can either let others and life get me down.

or i can choose joy.

JR's dad preached @ Grace Point today

and he said something that i hadnt ever heard before.

his message was 

Uncomfortable But Survivable.

God lets us go through some things that are hard.

but the trials are usually all common.

others have gone through them before.

cancer.

divorce.

hurts.

pains.

bitterness.

anger.

stress.

money.

ect.

ect.

ect.

but its the devil that makes them seem like they are unique.

like we are the only ones that are going through them.

like they are something new.

its his way of making us feel isolated.

and that no one would understand.

but in that instance. 

choose joy.

understand that God knows.

and He will lead you and guide you.

He will not leave you nor forsake you.

today.

im choosing Joy.

im choosing to love.

to be happy.

even though things may not always be peachy.

but because i know the Joy giver.

i know who will give me Joy unspeakable & full of glory.

i choose Joy!

my own personal war zone.

maybe this should be for my personal journal.

maybe what i feel is to strong for a public space.

but i need to get it out.

and i need it to be heard.

so here it is.

i feel like im in that picture above.

but what you cant see in the picture is what they are fighting for.

what war is this?

and what is the war for?

what did we hear as americans.

and then what was the actual cause.

i feel like that.

i feel like there is a war that im fighting.

but i dont know what im fighting for.

i feel like im fighting for a cause.

but i dont know what this cause is.

i just dont know.

but i do know.

that whatever it is.

its worth fighting for.

today.

i dont think i have ever felt as defeated.

defeated through no fault of my own.

defeated in everything that i stand for.

i know.

that i'm NOT defeated.

ignorance is just no longer bliss!

but what i'm fighting for.

whether known or not.

is worth fighting for.

just for mary.

back to blogging.

per my friend.

we were supposed to have a big storm.

well that didnt happen.

but i got a few good pics.

public blogging has begun again.

i think.

feelings suck.

i feel like crying.
for no good stinking reason.
its ridiculous.

ive been overly angry all day.
short temper.
lack of patience.
just aggressive.
more than normal.

but im okay with that.
it when they crying comes in.
that it just ticks me off even more.
*sigh*

i know i will probably look back on this post and laugh.
i know that im being over dramatic.
i know that this is not what public blogs are for.
but right now.

crying seems like the only option.
goodnight.

so i dont forget.

i feel like im just now getting time to rest.

this last month has been so busy! 

soon it will slow down.

and for that im so excited.

i just want to curl up in my ugly orange chair.

with a blanket.

and read a book.

all day. 

during thanksgiving. my brother, sister in law & 2 nephews were here. i must say it was a wonderful visit. i was nervous at first. being completely honest. there seems to be a lot of tension usually when we are all together. its weird because it never was like that before my brother got married. so i assumed the tension started with my sister in law. i mean, if that is the only thing that has changed in my family. it must be her. 

but i was wrong. my sister in law is amazing. and i learned that in a big way on this visit. i learned a lot about her. what she has been through. people that were in her life before my entire family came along. some about her family. we cleared up a lot of misunderstandings. we talked out things that were topics that never got brought up. 

they got here on the tuesday before thanksgiving. it was a nice day. mom made her yummy beef sandwhichs. suppppper yummy in my tummy! and we went to church for testimony service. rebecca and i picked up kristofer & kayla. testimony service was good. but games afterwards was better. well.. i guess i cant say that it was since everyone ganged up on me! jerks! :) we learned that rebecca is the master at rummikube, and i suck just as much as kristofer does at the game!

wednesday, we were supposed to go to the beach and spend the weekend there. we get everything packed and are on our way there when we find out that we need chains to get there. i got a rental car, so that wasnt happening. we decided to turn around and go back to the house.

that was the best decision that we made! i am soooo glad that we stayed here. after we got home JR, Kassie & their son Javin came over. they were supposed to go to the beach with us. so we ordered pizza, ate pumpkin bars & played board games all evening. it was so fun. 

my oldest nephew mikey & javin became fast friends! well, i guess not so fast. there was a lot of not sharing & pushing at first. haha. but once they got that worked out, they became fast friends. one day that they were here, kassie said that javin woke up wondering where mikey & uncle(my brother josh) were. so cute! :)

thursday was the big day. a bit unorganized, but hey, we are all pretty much family! who cares? mom put the turkey in, made the weird gravy, mashed potatoes & a potato salad. rebecca made her delicious stuffing. i made a salad. kassie made the veggie tray, deviled eggs, pumpkin pie, corn. i think there might have been more but whatevs.

mikey & i played on the slide outside of my apt. kristofer & kayla came over again. played games. the rileys came over for a short visit. and then we all went to jr & kassies for a few games of mafia & some pumpkin bars.

friday. SHOPPING! :) earrings, belts, watch for ashley. nail polish for cherish. headphones, board games & socks for me. i cant remember what else i bought. i had to work that night. for 4 hours. suck! i missed the tree lighting in pioneer square with my youth group. but some dude tried to plant a bomb there, so i guess it was best that i wasnt.

saturday. multnomah falls. hot chocolate. relaxing. jr. kassie. javin. casey. morgan. her husband josh. it was a full house. chicken. yummy seafood salad.

rebecca and i stayed up all night until it was time for them to go to the airport. we talked for most of the evening. bought a few books and then played a monopoly card game all evening.  it was an awesome time.

i have the cutest stinking nephews. no joke. they know no stranger. luke doesnt cry. or it doesnt seem like he does. he is so mellow! he goes with the flow. such an amazing kid. mikey. now that kid is energy! he doesnt eat. haha. but he is amazing! i love the kid!

i wish they lived a bit closer. but that will most likely never happen.

minus having to work a bit. it was a good visit and holiday. spending time with some of the people that i love the most. i wouldnt have changed a thing!

pictures to come.

never woulda thought...

i cant even explain how true this is.

where i am in my life, right now..

its even 'true-er' then i could have ever imagined.

there are a number of people in my life.

that i never thought about being life long friends.

or people that would have shaped and changed my life forever.

brittany.

katie.

mary.

bro & sis higgins.

kristofer. 

rebecca.

yenni.

andrea.

rosaunda.

these are a few people that i love so much!

and a few of them.

when i first met them.

would never have thought.

that they would mean the world to me now.

so crazy.

monthly checkup.

i feel as if i havent been here in over a month!

why?

because i HAVENT!

its been a long month.

filled with:

mind complications.

halloween activities.

planning.

vacations.

sickness.

family.

suggestions taken wrong. 

clarity.

thanksgiving.

near beach experiances.

all nighters.

letting walls down.

putting walls up.

late nights.

card games.

but here i am now! :)

thankful thursday.

*my momma*

she is such an amazing person. she is a rock that i lean on. she can understand me like no other. she is always there when i need her, and even when i dont. she is strong. she is a Godly influence in my life. she has been through some trials and some hard times throughout her life, but always knows that God is going to keep her. she listens to me. even when i digress onto 6 other topics before finishing my first story. she doesnt interrupt. she listens. she is rarely funny... she tries.. really hard. i give her credit for that. when she loves, she loves with her everything. she isnt judgmental. she cheats at jenga. she drinks way to much diet pepsi, and doesnt test her blood sugar often enough. she is crazy, and she is frustrating. she is always game for my crazy ideas. she is honest, and she is my favorite momma in the world. i love her. im thankful for her. so much. God defiantly bless my brother and i with the best momma in the world.

*brother & sister higgins*

why is it, that i got through my moms whole paragraph without crying. but as soon as i type in their names. tears immediately come to my eyes. i dont think anyone understands how truly thankful i am for the higgins. im thankful. so thankful. they have given me so many chances, and do overs. and yet dont judge me. brother does get a bit irritated at me and my mouth sometimes, but he doesnt judge me. im so thankful that he didnt give up on me even when he had ever right. im thankful they gave me a chance with bible quizzing. im just thankful for their leadership. i love watching them work the alter, and one of them usually has the little olive (their baby) in their hands while they are praying for folks. its beautiful to watch. they are such an example of Gods love and what being a christian is all about.