journal.

i am having such a good time doing Janel's 30 Day Challenge. its so awesome to be able to sit down with a pen and paper and come away with something you love. each day has been something ive loved to write about. one day i made up my own prompt which im not showing :) haha.

Day 3.

I kinda adapted the prompt a bit. The prompt was: to draw a picture, doodle, sketch, of a person who you love, or admire. Then, write that person a letter telling them why they mean so much to you! im not a good doodler. but i did need to write a few letters to folks. excuse my spelling error.

Day 4:

i had a hard time deciding what i wanted to write on this page so i made a list first. i know that Jesus is the center of my heart. so that went first. my nephews Mikey & Luke went next. and everything else came after that.

Day 5:

No pictures! :)

Day 6:

Todays prompt was: It's definitely time to do something. It may be a new season for you in your life, or a time to make some goals, or it may just be time to relax (because it's Saturday right?). Draw something that represents the word time and then make a list of things that you need to do at this time in your life, or day, or week :)

My managers Candace and i had a talk last week about what i wanted in life. I explained that i wasnt exactly sure what i wanted in life when i first started my job. I explained that i just needed a job and i really didnt care what it was. but now, i feel like its about time to start getting direction. she used an analogy that i loved. she said i needed to figure out where i wanted to go, so i can figure out what i want to pack in my suitcase. she said, you will take different things to alaska than you would to florida. so you need to know where you are going, so you can know what to pack.

these are the years of my life that i should have been packing my suitcase. but i feel like ive been running behind. its TIME for me to figure out where i wanna go. its time for me to know when i get there. its time.

30 days.

i am participating in Janel's 30 Day Challenge!

Its been rough because i am sooo not an artistic girl with a pen! :)
i have decided with my day 3 post imma go outside the pen! and use a picture! :)
but here is the first two days.

Day 1. Introduction.

I started on this journal page 3 times. I couldnt see my ACTUAL self in the first two, so i ripped them out and started over. I believe this describes me well. I live out LOUD! I am always described as loud. in personality & sound. i sometimes think that word defines me. so thats why the 'lightining of sound' really does take over the picture instead of my name. around the bottom & right side, there is a list of some of my 'roles'. the top corner. the hearts and stars and squiggly lines. i am a hopeless romantic & my head is usually in the clouds. day dreaming, doing something other than living in reality!

Thats it for Day 1.

Day 2 - The Best Part of My Day.

i LOVE love LOVE love driving to and from work. my radio is up as loud as it will go. i sing as loud as i want to. i think, i talk out loud, i cry, i have ALONE time. i love ALONE time. a few of my favorite songs. also. i kinda put another 'best part of my day' when i hear that lyric. im getting a good text! :)

im off to start day 3! :)

june.

a lot has been going on in my life lately. its rather stressful and all to emotional. i am that girl that pushes all her 'drama' aside and tries to look happy, and appear as if i got it all together. its DRAINING me. 

i am not usually an overly emotional outward person. i dont like to cry in front of people. i dont like people to know whats really going on behind the facade that i put up. i like to make sure that my hurts arent broadcast to everyone. i like to appear put together. i dont want sympathy. i dont want anyone to know. accept i would like that person to want to know. and fight to find out. but thats another blog post for another day.

june. its a month that i could do without. a month that has killed me for the last three years. and its making its fourth attempt. fathers day. a time to honor your father. a time to love on him. and tell him what an amazing job he did. a time to give him gifts and let him know your thinking about him. a time to relive all the wonderful memories that he has brought.

what if i really never got along with my father. what if i used to pray for his death. fathers day. i used to hate this day. because he was alive. and i didnt like him. because he was alive. and i didnt feel like he liked me. it was a day to give him a card to tell him that he was the best father in the world. it was a day i felt i had to lie. a day that i had to give in to what he wanted. where he wanted to go. a day that i had to not be me, and be the little girl he wanted me to be. a day that i had to be fake. 

what i didnt know is that all too soon. i was going to wish i had a day to be fake all over again. as fathers day gets closer. i wonder why i wasnt nicer. granted. he did suck as a parent up until i was about 17. but why didnt i give him another chance. i know he loved me. and i know that i loved him. ill never have thoes 'daddy/daughter' moments that the girls get on tv. he will never watch me get married. he will never meet his grandchildren. i will never again be able to ask him directions around portland. he will never ever again tell me to ask my uncle jack. he will never 'snort' to scare me. 

fathers day. makes me miss my dad. and what never was. and what never will be. 

while fathers day is in june. this june seems to be just getting longer and longer.

my mom has a lump on her breast that they caught in her latest mammogram. they scheduled her to do an ultrasound on monday. they did it. three times to be exact. and the 'lump' is the size of a smashed penny that one would get at magic mountain. today she was scheduled for a biopsy of the 'lump'. this biopsy will tell us if she has cancer or not. cancer. cancer. breast cancer. cancer?

she went in. they made a small cut, and when they got the first piece of the 'lump' for the biopsy. she started bleeding bad. it took about 8 minutes of the doctor & nurse applying pressure before the bleeding stopped. they couldnt find the 'lump' anymore because there was too much blood around the area. so they only got one sample. 

this sample is going to tell me wether my mother has breast cancer. and while i know that it is something that she can have removed, and be fine. it scares the life out of me for more than one reason. it scares me that something might happen to her. she has been there for me through everything. she stepped in when the rest of the world, including my father and brother, stepped out. she is my rock. 

it could very well come back that this is just another cyst or whatnot. it could be just a growth. it could be nothing. but it could also be cancer. it could be something life changing. 

being selfish:

i dont think i can handle this right now. i dont think i have the emotional backbone right now to stand up tall. i dont think i have the strength to fight.

i know that she is scared. and that is hard for me. for the last four years. the roles between us have kinda changed. i feel like the mom most of the time. i feel like i need to take care of her. to see about her health. her well-being in general. i feel like this is my job.

its hard to focus on the positive for me right now. it could be nothing. i could be in my feelings for nothing. but i just dont want to be caught off guard. like i was with my father. 

*sigh* my brain and my fingers arent feeling a connection anymore. im done for the night! happier posts will come! soon.

*source*

a-z of my house! :)

a few people have done this survey. i had to join in!

A- My AIR CONDITIONER is set on: non-existant. and right now. i wish WISH that i had to have one! im DONE with winter weather! lol.


B- My BEDROOM theme is: not finished. i might wanna get on that!


C- The CAR in the driveway is: a santa fe. :)


D- My DESK looks: a big mess of papers.


E- The EXACT time I wake up daily is: usually between 7:32 & 7:46. i make myself sleep until about 8:20.

F- The FIRST thing I wash in the shower is: hair. always.


G- My GARAGE is filled with: i actually dont have a garage! :) our small storage closet has a few boxes in it. and christmas stuff!


H- My HOME is: comfortable. i <3 it.

I- If you peeked INSIDE my bedroom you'd see: my bed. oh so amazingly comfortable. be jealous.
J- My favorite JUICE is: orange.


K- The best part of my KITCHEN is: all stainless! :)
L- The LAST person who visited my home was: billie jo.


M- The last piece of MAIL for me was: one of my pen pals! :)


N- My NEIGHBORS think I'm: not at fault for having their girlfriends car towed. haha.


O- If you OPENED my fridge you'd see: salad fixings. jello. tea.

P- My last house PARTY was: ummm..

Q- A QUICK meal I like to fix is: tacos! :) super yum.


R- My favorite ROOM of the house is: downstairs. its SO COMFORTABLE!
S- The SHAMPOO brand I use is: panteen.


T- My largest TELEVISION is: an OLD one! LOL


U- UNDER my bed you will find: a few blankets.


V- The last time I VACUUMED was: when i cleaned out my new chair! :)
W- Looking out my WINDOW I see: the other apartments.


X- I wish I had X-TRA: bedroom. so we can make it the craft room. and downstairs just a random room with NO TV!


Y- My YARD is: TINY!


Z- ZZZZZZZ My bedtime is: when i decided to sleep.

father.

its late. im tired. its almost june. which means that dreaded day is almost here. fathers day. why i thought it would be a good idea to read my blogs from when my dad died. i dont know. but i have run out of tissue. so i just gotta go to bed. i went through my myspace- where i used to blog a lot and pulled up the blog i wrong 8/17/2007. 1 year after my dad died.


Friday, August 17, 2007

reliving the dead.

so we fooled josh and rebecca
into thinking that we were going home to get some rest.
they had been hasseling mom about her much needed rest.
so we looked like we were leaving.
even drove home to get some stuff.
and came right back.

i brought my big stripped comforter.
the one i bough for college.
my body pillow.
with the ugly green case.
i brought my cell phone charger.
and i called ryan.
he was my help.
he was my friend.
he was my comfort.

we went back to the hospital.
we went into the room.
he was laying there.
breathing hard.

i set my stuff down.
and went into the waiting office area that we stayed in.
i turned off the lights.
plugged in my cell phone.
and snuggled to my body pillow.
and called ryan again.

we were talking about sleeping in the hospital.
and about how i hate mice.
and he was making me laugh.
like he always did.

then a light come bursting in.
and mom says.

'get up sarah. your dads not going to make it.'

i almost thought she was kidding.
and she left.
and it got dark again.

i told ryan.
i choked back my emotion.
he told me he loved me.
and we hung up.

i called josh.
on the way to the room.
just a few feet of a walk.
i said get up.
dads not going to make it.
he proceeded to try and argue with me.
about why we came back to the hospital.
and i said..
josh. now is not the time.
i just need you to get here.

i called brother reynolds.
over . and over again.

i called steve and becky.
i called pastor.
i called tim and commie.
i called ryan.
i think thats why i miss him so.
my ryan.
my comfort.
the one who got me through.

i called aunt judy.
and she checked out of her hotel.
weird. sleeping pills. weird.

josh and rebecca came in.
tim came in.
pastor got there.
redana.
tony.
judy.
krystina.
the wife of the new couple. hollysue. was there.

my head was spinning.

the nurse brought water.

mom was crying.


josh was talking in a soothing voice.
that wasnt soothing.
stating that it was okay for him to let go.

mom had a break down.
i had a melt down.
i freaked out.
crying.
sobbing.
freaking out.
almost yelling.
desperate for my mom.
to remember that she has something esle to live for.
besides him.

selfish.
but it brought her out for a minute.
and she was the mom again.

she held me.

josh and rebecca looked on.
pastor looked on.

i think that is the weakest that my pastor has ever seen me.


i didnt mean to.
it just happened.
im strong.
just not then.

and then i got some water.

the nurse brought ice chips and water.

they turned up the morphine.
so he could die without knowing it.
he would just slowly suffocate.


rebecca was my savior at this time.
i miss the times where she was my sister in law.
and not just rebecca.
but family is family i suppose.

she held josh on the left side of the bed.
i held mom on the right side of the bed.
pastor stood at the foot of the bed.
tim came in and my mom hugged him.
what seemed like days. was only minutes.
seconds even.

its 1:32 am right now.
12 minutes.
and hes dead for a whole year.

josh kept that soothing voice up.
i went to the hall.
i saw redana.
and that hollysue in the hall as well.

1:33. 11 mins..

hollysues presence was strangly comforting.
she didnt know my dad.
shed seen him.
but she had only been here...
less than 2 months.

1:34... 10 mins..


she had only know my family for a short period of time.
why was she there?
because she knew i would need comforting.

1:35... 9 mins..


and she was right.
oh so right.

they went and sat down in the waiting area.
i went back into the room.
and everything suddenly is blurry.

i dont really remeber what happened here.

1:36 .. 8 mins.


i remember..
i leaned over my mom.
and whispered.
i forgive you dad.
and i love you.

1:37... 7 mins..

why is it taking me soo long to write in between the minutes.

i know that mom was crying.
and that rebecca was watchin his breathing.
i know that josh was looking so sad.
he would cry sometimes.
and it would kill me.

1:38... 6 mins.


it would literly break me into pieces.
and mom was there.
holding his hand.
rubbing him.
telling him not to go.

he didnt listen.
his breath got shallower.
and shallower..
is shallower even a word?

1:39 ... 5 mins..

i remember that i was standing right by the moniter thing.
it was off i believe.
and mom was sitting beside him.
josh and rebecca..

1:40... 4 mins..


josh and rebecca were still on the left.
and pastor was at his foot.
mom got up to hug on him.
i dont know..
but she leaned over him.
and then started balling.
and crying.
pastor came around to the right side.
and rebecca looked up at me...

1:41.. 3 mins..


and nodded her head.
pastor cvame around to the side of the bed that we were on.
josh reached over the bed.

1:42... 2 mins..


and grabbed pastors hand..
the one with the watch on it..
he pulled the pin out of the watch.
pastor looked at it.
and i think he nodded.

1:43.. 1 min..


1:44 .. its been a year since the pin was pulled.
its been a year since he took his last breath.
its been a year from hell.
but a year from heaven.

josh said..
i envy you dad.

i dont think ill ever forget him saying that.

i dont remeber if i cried.


i think i wanted to.
but i just backed away from the body.
gross.
hes dead.

his feet were uncovered.
i miss his feet.
he had the BIGGEST big TOE EVER!
it was huge.

hes dead.

i hugged mom.
she cried.
i hugged tim.
he comforted me.
i reached for my phone to call ryan.
and brother reynolds had called.
i misssed his calls.
i was about to call ryan.
and josh came up.
i didnt knwo what to do.
other than hug him.
i didnt know any comforting words.
should i be the comforter?
we hugged.
and we cried.

i hugged rebecca.

and then i left the room.
with all of my belongings.
with all of his belongings.

leaving with a dead guys glasses.
with his pants?
i dont get it.
weird.


we sat in the lobby area.
people hugged me.
i felt to numb to cry.

i felt alone.
with a crowd of people.
i think i wanted to scream.
i know that i wanted out in the cold air.

we sat there.
people didnt really look at me.
what do you say to a girl.
whos dad just died.
who you just saw alive.

why wasnt ryan HERE for me.
i dont get it.
i needed him.
he wasnt here.

*sigh*

whats a girl to do.

we walked to pastors car.
i just remember that the walk was the longest walk of my life.
i was so numb.
my feelings were off.
i couldnt breath.

it was cool out.
pastor drove the car around.
we got mom in.
she was crying.
lightly sobbing.

i got in.
no words came.
i was speechless.

i wasnt hurt.
i wasnt mad.
i wasnt.
i just was.
we drove.

we hit 205.
and i called adams voice mail.
i left him a message.
my dads dead. call me.
something to that effect.
it was late.

minutes. ran into hours.

we got home and put mom to bed.
she fell right asleep.
we gave her the wacky sleeping pill.
aunt judy got her room back.

pastor fell asleep at the end of the couch.
i curled up with my pillow.
and sister graves talked to me.
i dont know what we talked about.
but we talked.
she talked.


josh and rebecca got home after that.
i dont know..

we talked about a funeral.
we talked about arrangments.

i knew i wanted megan in it.
i dont know why.
and i wanted tim to speak.
and steve.


thats all i cared about.

im tired.
dads been dead. one year and 10 mins.

his body was cut up.
donated to science.
he now rests in my cedar chest.
in a pretty little box.

im tired.

i dont know what possessed me to write it all out.
my back hurts now.
my butt is def killing me from this hard chair.


i forgave him.

i did.


im glad.


this year has been the worst and yet the best.
the worst for me emotionally.
the best for me spiritually.

i had the worst holidays.
and the best summer.
the best summer.

i let go of ryan.
it was soo hard.
i fought God for a good 6 months.
and God won!


Hes kinda a bully.
he gets his way in the end.

i cant think anymore.
i think im heading back to numb.

2:00.. am. -16 minutes

 Posted @ 02:00 AM

If you read all that, *BIG HUGS* Thanks. If not, I dont blame you! :) Its been a crazy last couple of years. so much has changed, yet so many things have stayed the same. ive been missin my dad as of late. reading the old blogs probably wasnt the smartest thing i coulda done. but its already done. now imma bout to be off to bed. im super exhausted!

letters.

dear ma'am.

great minds think alike.
and i wish they didnt.
but thank you.
i appreciate it, i think.

but i just cant voice it.

sincerely.

sd.

dear sir.

thank your for eventually letting me give you up.

today i heard a song lyric that reminded me of you.

a broken heart doesnt break even.

someone always is much more hurt than the other.

its been hard not to think about you lately.

but im glad its not all the time.

monk.

dear sir.

fathers day is coming up.

its harder than normal.

but i will be fine, even if i have to fake it.

you would have wanted me to be fine.

i wish i could talk to you about this.

i never wanted to talk to you.

now that i do, its to late.

i am sorry about that.

i love you.

i miss you.

sarah.

giveaways! :)

i <3 giveaways! i love them love them love them!

Here are two.

lindsay

jamie