father.

its late. im tired. its almost june. which means that dreaded day is almost here. fathers day. why i thought it would be a good idea to read my blogs from when my dad died. i dont know. but i have run out of tissue. so i just gotta go to bed. i went through my myspace- where i used to blog a lot and pulled up the blog i wrong 8/17/2007. 1 year after my dad died.


Friday, August 17, 2007

reliving the dead.

so we fooled josh and rebecca
into thinking that we were going home to get some rest.
they had been hasseling mom about her much needed rest.
so we looked like we were leaving.
even drove home to get some stuff.
and came right back.

i brought my big stripped comforter.
the one i bough for college.
my body pillow.
with the ugly green case.
i brought my cell phone charger.
and i called ryan.
he was my help.
he was my friend.
he was my comfort.

we went back to the hospital.
we went into the room.
he was laying there.
breathing hard.

i set my stuff down.
and went into the waiting office area that we stayed in.
i turned off the lights.
plugged in my cell phone.
and snuggled to my body pillow.
and called ryan again.

we were talking about sleeping in the hospital.
and about how i hate mice.
and he was making me laugh.
like he always did.

then a light come bursting in.
and mom says.

'get up sarah. your dads not going to make it.'

i almost thought she was kidding.
and she left.
and it got dark again.

i told ryan.
i choked back my emotion.
he told me he loved me.
and we hung up.

i called josh.
on the way to the room.
just a few feet of a walk.
i said get up.
dads not going to make it.
he proceeded to try and argue with me.
about why we came back to the hospital.
and i said..
josh. now is not the time.
i just need you to get here.

i called brother reynolds.
over . and over again.

i called steve and becky.
i called pastor.
i called tim and commie.
i called ryan.
i think thats why i miss him so.
my ryan.
my comfort.
the one who got me through.

i called aunt judy.
and she checked out of her hotel.
weird. sleeping pills. weird.

josh and rebecca came in.
tim came in.
pastor got there.
redana.
tony.
judy.
krystina.
the wife of the new couple. hollysue. was there.

my head was spinning.

the nurse brought water.

mom was crying.


josh was talking in a soothing voice.
that wasnt soothing.
stating that it was okay for him to let go.

mom had a break down.
i had a melt down.
i freaked out.
crying.
sobbing.
freaking out.
almost yelling.
desperate for my mom.
to remember that she has something esle to live for.
besides him.

selfish.
but it brought her out for a minute.
and she was the mom again.

she held me.

josh and rebecca looked on.
pastor looked on.

i think that is the weakest that my pastor has ever seen me.


i didnt mean to.
it just happened.
im strong.
just not then.

and then i got some water.

the nurse brought ice chips and water.

they turned up the morphine.
so he could die without knowing it.
he would just slowly suffocate.


rebecca was my savior at this time.
i miss the times where she was my sister in law.
and not just rebecca.
but family is family i suppose.

she held josh on the left side of the bed.
i held mom on the right side of the bed.
pastor stood at the foot of the bed.
tim came in and my mom hugged him.
what seemed like days. was only minutes.
seconds even.

its 1:32 am right now.
12 minutes.
and hes dead for a whole year.

josh kept that soothing voice up.
i went to the hall.
i saw redana.
and that hollysue in the hall as well.

1:33. 11 mins..

hollysues presence was strangly comforting.
she didnt know my dad.
shed seen him.
but she had only been here...
less than 2 months.

1:34... 10 mins..


she had only know my family for a short period of time.
why was she there?
because she knew i would need comforting.

1:35... 9 mins..


and she was right.
oh so right.

they went and sat down in the waiting area.
i went back into the room.
and everything suddenly is blurry.

i dont really remeber what happened here.

1:36 .. 8 mins.


i remember..
i leaned over my mom.
and whispered.
i forgive you dad.
and i love you.

1:37... 7 mins..

why is it taking me soo long to write in between the minutes.

i know that mom was crying.
and that rebecca was watchin his breathing.
i know that josh was looking so sad.
he would cry sometimes.
and it would kill me.

1:38... 6 mins.


it would literly break me into pieces.
and mom was there.
holding his hand.
rubbing him.
telling him not to go.

he didnt listen.
his breath got shallower.
and shallower..
is shallower even a word?

1:39 ... 5 mins..

i remember that i was standing right by the moniter thing.
it was off i believe.
and mom was sitting beside him.
josh and rebecca..

1:40... 4 mins..


josh and rebecca were still on the left.
and pastor was at his foot.
mom got up to hug on him.
i dont know..
but she leaned over him.
and then started balling.
and crying.
pastor came around to the right side.
and rebecca looked up at me...

1:41.. 3 mins..


and nodded her head.
pastor cvame around to the side of the bed that we were on.
josh reached over the bed.

1:42... 2 mins..


and grabbed pastors hand..
the one with the watch on it..
he pulled the pin out of the watch.
pastor looked at it.
and i think he nodded.

1:43.. 1 min..


1:44 .. its been a year since the pin was pulled.
its been a year since he took his last breath.
its been a year from hell.
but a year from heaven.

josh said..
i envy you dad.

i dont think ill ever forget him saying that.

i dont remeber if i cried.


i think i wanted to.
but i just backed away from the body.
gross.
hes dead.

his feet were uncovered.
i miss his feet.
he had the BIGGEST big TOE EVER!
it was huge.

hes dead.

i hugged mom.
she cried.
i hugged tim.
he comforted me.
i reached for my phone to call ryan.
and brother reynolds had called.
i misssed his calls.
i was about to call ryan.
and josh came up.
i didnt knwo what to do.
other than hug him.
i didnt know any comforting words.
should i be the comforter?
we hugged.
and we cried.

i hugged rebecca.

and then i left the room.
with all of my belongings.
with all of his belongings.

leaving with a dead guys glasses.
with his pants?
i dont get it.
weird.


we sat in the lobby area.
people hugged me.
i felt to numb to cry.

i felt alone.
with a crowd of people.
i think i wanted to scream.
i know that i wanted out in the cold air.

we sat there.
people didnt really look at me.
what do you say to a girl.
whos dad just died.
who you just saw alive.

why wasnt ryan HERE for me.
i dont get it.
i needed him.
he wasnt here.

*sigh*

whats a girl to do.

we walked to pastors car.
i just remember that the walk was the longest walk of my life.
i was so numb.
my feelings were off.
i couldnt breath.

it was cool out.
pastor drove the car around.
we got mom in.
she was crying.
lightly sobbing.

i got in.
no words came.
i was speechless.

i wasnt hurt.
i wasnt mad.
i wasnt.
i just was.
we drove.

we hit 205.
and i called adams voice mail.
i left him a message.
my dads dead. call me.
something to that effect.
it was late.

minutes. ran into hours.

we got home and put mom to bed.
she fell right asleep.
we gave her the wacky sleeping pill.
aunt judy got her room back.

pastor fell asleep at the end of the couch.
i curled up with my pillow.
and sister graves talked to me.
i dont know what we talked about.
but we talked.
she talked.


josh and rebecca got home after that.
i dont know..

we talked about a funeral.
we talked about arrangments.

i knew i wanted megan in it.
i dont know why.
and i wanted tim to speak.
and steve.


thats all i cared about.

im tired.
dads been dead. one year and 10 mins.

his body was cut up.
donated to science.
he now rests in my cedar chest.
in a pretty little box.

im tired.

i dont know what possessed me to write it all out.
my back hurts now.
my butt is def killing me from this hard chair.


i forgave him.

i did.


im glad.


this year has been the worst and yet the best.
the worst for me emotionally.
the best for me spiritually.

i had the worst holidays.
and the best summer.
the best summer.

i let go of ryan.
it was soo hard.
i fought God for a good 6 months.
and God won!


Hes kinda a bully.
he gets his way in the end.

i cant think anymore.
i think im heading back to numb.

2:00.. am. -16 minutes

 Posted @ 02:00 AM

If you read all that, *BIG HUGS* Thanks. If not, I dont blame you! :) Its been a crazy last couple of years. so much has changed, yet so many things have stayed the same. ive been missin my dad as of late. reading the old blogs probably wasnt the smartest thing i coulda done. but its already done. now imma bout to be off to bed. im super exhausted!