i am not usually an overly emotional outward person. i dont like to cry in front of people. i dont like people to know whats really going on behind the facade that i put up. i like to make sure that my hurts arent broadcast to everyone. i like to appear put together. i dont want sympathy. i dont want anyone to know. accept i would like that person to want to know. and fight to find out. but thats another blog post for another day.
june. its a month that i could do without. a month that has killed me for the last three years. and its making its fourth attempt. fathers day. a time to honor your father. a time to love on him. and tell him what an amazing job he did. a time to give him gifts and let him know your thinking about him. a time to relive all the wonderful memories that he has brought.
what if i really never got along with my father. what if i used to pray for his death. fathers day. i used to hate this day. because he was alive. and i didnt like him. because he was alive. and i didnt feel like he liked me. it was a day to give him a card to tell him that he was the best father in the world. it was a day i felt i had to lie. a day that i had to give in to what he wanted. where he wanted to go. a day that i had to not be me, and be the little girl he wanted me to be. a day that i had to be fake.
what i didnt know is that all too soon. i was going to wish i had a day to be fake all over again. as fathers day gets closer. i wonder why i wasnt nicer. granted. he did suck as a parent up until i was about 17. but why didnt i give him another chance. i know he loved me. and i know that i loved him. ill never have thoes 'daddy/daughter' moments that the girls get on tv. he will never watch me get married. he will never meet his grandchildren. i will never again be able to ask him directions around portland. he will never ever again tell me to ask my uncle jack. he will never 'snort' to scare me.
fathers day. makes me miss my dad. and what never was. and what never will be.
while fathers day is in june. this june seems to be just getting longer and longer.
my mom has a lump on her breast that they caught in her latest mammogram. they scheduled her to do an ultrasound on monday. they did it. three times to be exact. and the 'lump' is the size of a smashed penny that one would get at magic mountain. today she was scheduled for a biopsy of the 'lump'. this biopsy will tell us if she has cancer or not. cancer. cancer. breast cancer. cancer?
she went in. they made a small cut, and when they got the first piece of the 'lump' for the biopsy. she started bleeding bad. it took about 8 minutes of the doctor & nurse applying pressure before the bleeding stopped. they couldnt find the 'lump' anymore because there was too much blood around the area. so they only got one sample.
this sample is going to tell me wether my mother has breast cancer. and while i know that it is something that she can have removed, and be fine. it scares the life out of me for more than one reason. it scares me that something might happen to her. she has been there for me through everything. she stepped in when the rest of the world, including my father and brother, stepped out. she is my rock.
it could very well come back that this is just another cyst or whatnot. it could be just a growth. it could be nothing. but it could also be cancer. it could be something life changing.
being selfish:
i dont think i can handle this right now. i dont think i have the emotional backbone right now to stand up tall. i dont think i have the strength to fight.
i know that she is scared. and that is hard for me. for the last four years. the roles between us have kinda changed. i feel like the mom most of the time. i feel like i need to take care of her. to see about her health. her well-being in general. i feel like this is my job.
its hard to focus on the positive for me right now. it could be nothing. i could be in my feelings for nothing. but i just dont want to be caught off guard. like i was with my father.
*sigh* my brain and my fingers arent feeling a connection anymore. im done for the night! happier posts will come! soon.
im so sorry sarah! i know how you feel about dreading fathers day. i do too, every year for 9 freaking years. it sucks.
ReplyDeleteim glad youre so honest on here. it makes me feel like im normal, since i feel the same. i hate showing that im vulnerable and i hate crying in front of people too.
i propose that we make fathers day something different.... for us, the fatherless. we honor those men that we a part of our lives and shaped who we are, but also remember that we actually aren't fatherless, we have the best Father, because he's the Alpha and Omega. :) You're totally in my thoughts, esp with this hallmark holiday coming up. but dont fret, lets you and me make it something special.
love, love, love you!!!!
-kel
Sarah, I am so sorry to hear that you are hurting. I am proud of you for voicing it on your blog, for allowing us to be there for you, even if it is not in person.
ReplyDeleteI will be sending all of my positive thoughts to you and your mother. My mom just had a horrible scare with her heart, and then everything turned out to be benign, I will hoe that you have the same results. Please please, let me know if you need anything. Even if it is only something small like a friend to email. I am here.
@Kellie! being vulnerable is a hard thing. scary. but oh so necessary at times. and i suck at showing it too. i like your proposal! your in my thoughts too! we might as well make it the 'Sarah & Kellie Against Hallmark' Day. haha. love ya girl!
ReplyDelete@Katie! Thanks so much! I havent posted about it yet, but my momma got her results back today and she is fine. The lump doesnt even have to be taken out! I am so thankful! Thank you for all the positive thoughts! I appreciate it! and thanks for reading my extra long post! It means more to me than you know! xoxo.
haha. sounds awesome!
ReplyDeleteand im glad things with your mom turned out that way. :)
-kellie